Congratulations on the acquisition of your new Technical Support Assistance Provider!

This is a bright moment for you, one that promises to be filled with joy and relief.  With proper care, your Technical Support Assistance Provider (SAP for short) will be by your side for many years, through countless software and hardware upgrades, viruses and bugs, and those little hiccups along this road we call the Digital Future.

Let’s get you started on the right path!

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Details Are Unnecessary

Your SAP has spent years in dark basements honing their senses.  They are experts at being able to discern the slightest details merely from the tone of your voice.  Did your keyboard cable come unplugged from the back of your computer?  Is the power out in your building?  Did you change an file name thus throwing off the entire merging sequence?

Don’t worry – your SAP will intuit it.

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Documentation and Training

All those reams of documentation?  Those Gigabytes of video tutorials?  Forget about it.

All that information exists for the sole purpose of helping your SAP navigate through this confusing world of technology.  If they send you a link, it’s just to tell you what they plan on doing.  You’re not expected to have to learn anything.

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The Rules No Longer Apply

With your acquisition of a SAP, you’ve found a shortcut around those pesky rules and procedures.  Yes, it might take a full day to copy all of Mary Jo from Accounting’s data to a new computer but your SAP can make it happen for you in less than 30 minutes! Don’t have the budget to purchase that equipment?  Check with your SAP.  They’ll have it in your hands before the end of day.

Count on it!

In fact, by merely uttering the phrase ‘But this is important!‘, you empower your SAP to bend the laws of space, time, and physics!  It’s amazing!

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Let It All Out

Angry at your computer?  Just want to shout and scream and blame someone else for all those problems?  Go ahead! Your SAP is ready and waiting!  Yell at them.  Blame them. Criticize them. Swear at them It doesn’t matter!  It’ll bounce off your SAP like fruit flies off a bulletproof window!

All SAPs have been carefully screened to be devoid of normal human emotion.  Yes, that’s right – your SAP is a sociopath!

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The Cell Phone

It is possible that you will acquire your SAP’s personal cell phone.  Remember – nothing is by accident.  Your SAP wanted you to have that number so use it!  Anytime, anywhere, your SAP is waiting for your call.  One does not become a SAP with an expectation or notion of ‘free time’ or ‘scheduled lunch’.

SAPs relish the opportunity to work late hours to clean ramen out of your printer.  In fact, those late night phone calls that interrupt dates, dinner with a spouse, or a movie only serve to increase your SAPs Geek Cred.  So go ahead, call.  You’re helping!

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Your SAP Exists For You and Only You

You are the most important thing in your SAP’s life.  At any moment of the day, they are willing to drop everything and work on your problem.

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That’s all for now.  Keep an eye out for Dealing With Your SAP, Part Two – Humor, including such things as :

• Referring to your DVD Drive as a Cup Holder
• Star Wars vs Star Trek
• Ninja vs Pirate
• Password Creation including ‘1111’, ‘12345’, and the all time classic ‘password’.
• And much much more!